Something happened in Ireland. I returned feeling quite different. I decided it was time to take back control of my life. When I got up each morning, I put on makeup and fixed my hair. I started losing weight. For giggles, I decided to look up the fragrance, Volupte, which by the way means "sensual pleasure" and found it was an old Oscar de la Renta fragrance from the early 70's. I thought the translation of Volupte as “sensual pleasure” was somehow very appropriate.
As I said, I found Rudy’s biography waiting for me. I didn't just read Dark Lover, I devoured it. It’s well researched, and the author is even-handed when it comes to talking about some of the points of contention about Rudy.
As I read, I began to anticipate what was coming. Again that feeling of knowing was so strong. There were times when I found myself talking to the book. One episode in particular....There is constant disagreement about how tall Rudy was. It is so difficult to gauge height on film, either moving or still. There are accounts of people saying he was tall, then some will say he was very short, ad nauseum. The author points out a photograph of Rudy standing with other men, one of whom is Douglas Fairbanks. Now, there doesn't seem to be much disagreement that Fairbanks was about 5'7" tall. The author points out that Rudy is basically the same height in the photo, so he must have been about 5'7".
When I read that, I talked out loud. "No, he wasn't. He was taller than that! Rudy was about 5'9" tall." I knew I was right, I knew it. I kept looking at the photograph, and that’s when I saw it. Douglas Fairbanks is standing on his toes with his heels about 2 inches off the ground! You can tell by looking at the shadows of his feet. I started laughing. I emailed Ms. Leider, the author, and told her about the photo. I got an email back from her almost immediately saying "What an eye!" She hadn't seen it until I pointed it out. Please understand, I Michael't mean that knowing Rudy's exact height is going to change the world, it won't. But....I knew he was taller!
When I reached the end, and read the description of Rudy's death, I was sobbing. At the point where the author starts telling about the "circus" surrounding his viewing and Mass in New York, I threw the book on the floor. I couldn't read anymore. I couldn't stand it. I was filled with such a sense of rage and grief, I thought I was going to have a stroke. It stayed with me for days and days. I stopped eating. ( At least it helped with the weight loss.) The biggest question in my life was "why?" Why was this happening?
My ability to push Rudy from my mind eroded at a much faster pace. My sense of agitation increased and always with it came the horrible sense of grief and loss. I tried to attribute it to the fact that he died so young. Unfortunately that really didn’t explain it. A lot of people died young. The feelings I experienced were exactly like when my father dropped dead. It was paralyzing, soul-tearing grief.
As I said before, the seed of questioning my sanity had been planted earlier. Well, it had sprouted and was growing nicely. I began to think that I truly was losing my mind. It generated a fear in me that is indescribable. How queer is that? I was determined to take back control of my life, and yet felt as if I were losing it. Quite a dichotomy.
Somewhere around the first of June, my DVD of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” arrived. This would turn out to be the worst thing that could have happened, and the best. This was the final shove that would place me at Marilene’s door.
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